Dear Mr. Chancellor,
I've heard that things aren't going so well, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I wouldn't even know if this is true. I don't get out much any more: I've stopped wearing clothes.
By now, you'll have seen the picture I enclosed. I'm sorry that it's drawn in gravy, but I had no paint in the house. I hope that you have guessed that it's a girl. hope that you've had a good look at her, because this is the face that is going to save us.
The Queen, we can all agree, has limited appeal. Sexually speaking. But this girl could make concrete nouns weep, begging to have arms and penises.
Now I'm not saying that the Queen hasn't done a fine job on our currency so far. She's done the best with what she has, and the crown adds a lot. But just look at this picture! I'd take those eyes alone out to dinner, if I thought they'd be able to eat something, hold cutlery and so on. Put this face on your currency, sir, and I assure you: your economic problems will disappear overnight.
I know what you're thinking. I've thought it too: that sticking a face this lovely on every coin and banknote in the country might make people less keen to part with their money; that they'd sleep for the rest of their lives with a £20 note on their lips. I'm sure you won't be offended when I tell in reply that you've obviously never been in love. Why would anyone settle for a single £20 note, when they could walk into a shop and break it, and stroll off with a £10, a £5 and a hand full of change? With those eyes on every one.
To spend money, you have to earn money. I had to check this, but it's true. And what better incentive to earn more money could there be than the aim to have whole fistfuls of her, bathtubs and beds and wallets full!
And the more people there are out there spending money, the more goods and services they'll need to spend it on and the more jobs we'll create, as a result, to supply these services. Her face will be everywhere. It will all be because of her!
I suppose my own motives are clear. I am a selfish man, and I love this girl. That's all. I expect you guessed immediately what was up, from one quick look at the face I've drawn. From the fact that there are no features on it; not even ears. Just a brown oval, with the word 'beautiful' drawn inside. It's been six weeks since I saw her, and every day there's less. I struggled, even, to remember if her face was face shaped.
I haven't even seen my own face in days. I don't even know if it's there.
I thank you in advance for your help.
The Stevie Nicks Pervert
PS: She is Finnish, will this be a problem?